I Don’t Always Get What I Deserve

Sometimes when you write a book about trusting what happens and not needing to be in control of things, the universe just needs to check and make sure you are serious.

Last week just before my amazing book launch party and my fabulous trip to Guatemala, the universe thought that a better idea would be for me to contract COVID-19 and lay in bed for 10 days.

A non-refundable retreat at a healing temple and hot springs in the rainforest?

Nah, not relaxing enough. 

I needed time completely alone where no other human even set foot in my space. Not to bring me water when I can’t get out of bed, nothing. Luckily I couldn’t eat so there wasn’t much for another human to do around here. I did get to spend a day in the ER, so that was a nice break in the monotony.

This was the 4th vacation I had planned this year that was canceled.

I do not understand.

I have tried to meditate and listen and wrap my head around the lesson…
             and sometimes…
                        you just don’t know.

I have no idea why I should not be able to take a vacation. I have no idea why my no change fee airplane ticket cost $485 to change. I have no idea why my dogs decided to eat an entire bottle of aspirin, bottle and all, while I was in bed and had to spend the night at the emergency vet. Or why my kids don’t call to check on me, I mean I’m their mom!

I have no idea why sometimes people plan home births and end up with a cesarean, or why seemingly perfect babies sometimes need to be in the NICU. I have no idea why birth is so hard for some people and so easy for others. None of it makes any sense.

This is real life folks.

It is messy and hard and confusing. Sometimes it really freaking sucks. Times like this I want to cry and scream and hide and sleep and punch everything all at once.

But instead…

I’m taking a breath
I’m sipping tea
I’m rescheduling my trip and my book launch party.
I’m telling my kids I love them and want to hear from them.
I’m trusting there is more money to be made.
I’m thanking the beautiful friends who brought me food even when I couldn’t eat and who checked in on me.
And I’m living.

No lessons. Nothing to understand Just living. Sometimes that’s what we get.

I am grateful. When I feel better, I might still punch some things.